Taking Love in Fettered Rations

Tea or coffee? A popular question that creates that illusion of choice. It’s like saying, “To love or not to love?”

For many years, I refused to believe in love. I did not see the point of it all. Why is it a thing, and would we not be better off believing in concepts like duty, responsibility and maybe morals?

Maybe it was the Christian upbringing that made love feel like a sin. You had to do it or go to hell. Doing it had to be done right. Too stressful.

Then I heard a sermon that changed everything. The message was not new. I had heard it over and over again. So it was shocking when it hit me.

It was nothing in particular that the speaker said. It was a random reflection from my own unbelieving heart. You know the kind of realisation you have, and you know it to be true.

I would spend a few days and weeks thinking about this until I became sure of it. It’s been before me all along. How did I miss it? How did everyone not realise it?

“Love your neighbour as you love yourself.” Those were the magic words. Seven words only.

My interest was not in the first three words. It was in the last four.

My excitement was born out of the simple realisation that I was the gold in the golden rule. I was the gold standard of love. The measure of love was not in the things I did for others. It was the things I did for myself.

Love your neighbour as…. What if I did not love myself? Would I be required to love others, still? That thought preoccupied me for a while.

Did I even love myself? How would I know that I love myself? What was the measure of it?

My first duty was to myself. If I learn to love myself, then maybe I will learn to love others. So I set myself the onerous task of loving myself.

But how can you love a person you do not know? Did I know myself enough? What did I like? It was a complicated journey, but one I set on nonetheless.

My whole life was about pleasing others. You have to understand that this was common practice in our home. Feed the visitors first. Serve the other person. Find out if they need anything else. It was always about the next person.

Anything about the self was often dealt in fettered rations. “Be humble.” “Don’t let it get to your head!” “Don’t think too much of yourself.” “Let them get the first turn.”

Something in me felt cheated whenever those guiding words were spoken to me. “It is well, just let it go.”

No one lets it go for me. I had never gone first without having to fight another kid. Usually, in the absence of the guiding adults. Though I was a kid, it was rough. Under these circumstances, how will I ever learn to love someone else?

The self-debasing and humbling disposition that has been my entire childhood isn’t letting me love myself. I was stuck in relationships that failed because I was not sensitive enough.

I did not understand how to feel. I had no idea how to love another person.

I was courteous, kind and polite. That’s what the public would see if they looked at me. But on the inside, it was difficult to connect to one individual.

The so-called Christian upbringing was not based on love. At least, that became my personal conclusion. I may be wrong? Am I wrong?

I treated myself to a well-deserved meal. Just me. Not in the company of the poor who needed feeding. Not at a charity or religious event. And without the guilty feelings that perhaps I am just another selfish human.

It is a struggle I still have till now. But I make sure to remind myself that one cannot give what they don’t have. How can I give you the love you deserve when I don’t know what it feels like?

Whenever I get a chance to go somewhere quiet to give myself a treat, I ensure it is a little extra. I deserve the best. You too. But if you are doubtful, I have a little explanation for you.

Imagine we all chose to love ourselves and to give ourselves the good life we deserve. There will be fewer people hoping they can find value in themselves because someone else loves them.

Why wait for someone else to love you when you can do it for yourself?